Can't talk to anyone anymore

[BenSr]

Fellow dads, are any of you having a similar problem, and what do you do about it?

My family is a blended family. My wife and I had 4 combined (1 me, 3 her) starting out, and we've had two together since then. My oldest is 18, and just had her last high school concert last week.

I'm having a hard time right now, because I feel like there's no one I can talk to about certain areas of life anymore. Two of my stepchildren (15 and 13) are having some serious issues. Some of those issues are resulting in some downright nasty, often defiant behavior. In some cases, there's a fear that calling them on it will result in them punishing themselves (cutting, not eating - there's the possibility of hospitalization for one), so my wife has asked me to cut back on intervening, even when they treat her like crap, which I can't stand.

At other times, they're difficult about chores. They make messes and don't clean up after themselves. They downright refuse to do stuff when asked. They insult me and put me down, which is actually not as bad as when they treat my wife like crap, but they're setting an example for the two littlest ones (3 and 1) that will take longer to undo.

I have a lot of pent up frustration and aggression, and when I talk to my wife about it, I feel like I'm stressing her even more by unloading about her kids. I know how that feels from previous relationships, when I felt like all I ever heard were complaints about my daughter.

So now I have no outlet, and the stress is actually having a negative effect on my physical health. I'm trying to reconnect with my therapist, whom I stopped seeing because his hours conflicted with mine, in the hopes he's more available now. Until then, who do I talk to in order to avoid stress induced health problems?

p.s. Money's always a little tight, so there's not really a beer budget to be had, so I can't really even enjoy one of those.

[57plymouth]

Are you connected in your church? Could you join a men's group there?

[Hockeyfan]

There are plenty of good people on this forum. Some might have similar situations or have dealt with problem kids before. I'd be concerned with the 2 youngest ones. Would these 2 older kids who want to cut and injure themselves ever do something to the kids (or you two)? Sounds scary. What about friends? Your local friends. Go and have a few beers and talk.

Good luck man. Sounds dreadful. Is there any bootcamps or military schools you can send these other kids to? Sounds like they need a real intervention of sorts. If they act like that here they would be shown the door. Sounds like they need some type of professional help really.

[BenSr]

Originally Posted by 57plymouth

Are you connected in your church? Could you join a men's group there?

I'm in a group at my church, but I don't have a lot of time to talk about it. Plus, I'm not sure what's appropriate to share outside the family walls.

[tt3]

Man, I wish I could help. Know that you have a place here to voice some concerns. Actually, I think I can help a little. We have a back room you might be able to use...
Check your PM's.

[BenSr]

Originally Posted by Hockeyfan

Would these 2 older kids who want to cut and injure themselves ever do something to the kids (or you two)? Sounds scary.

From what I've experienced, the worst they'll do to others is yell and be verbally abusive in other ways. They get pretty intense on a regular basis, and it's never come to blows, even when they piss each other off...which happens very often.

What about friends? Your local friends. Go and have a few beers and talk.

I don't really have anyone I hang out with outside of organized events (church gatherings, band practice, etc). I moved here right after we got married, and, well the wife and I got to the making more kids right away (which was quite enjoyable and gave us some beautiful little guys), so I haven't really made any "hang out" friends since moving.

Good luck man. Sounds dreadful. Is there any bootcamps or military schools you can send these other kids to? Sounds like they need a real intervention of sorts. If they act like that here they would be shown the door. Sounds like they need some type of professional help really.

As for the bootcamps or military schools, I dream of it sometimes, but then there's the budget. One's getting professional help, and her therapist hasn't recommended inpatient care yet, but hasn't ruled it out in the future. The other, well I'm gonna push for help again. He needs it, although in the past when he was getting counseling, he just yessed the therapist to death.

[Riggs]

After seeing some of the interactions between my wife and her stepmom when I first met her, you have my sympathy. Sounds like a tough situation. Seems like it's pretty unusual for those relationships to go well. The kids lose a parent who's then replaced by someone they didn't choose, not to mention the other hard parts about a blended family. Yeah, this is a good place to vent some. No ideas from me, good luck though. I'll bet things will work out somehow.

[BenSr]

A little good news in all this. We just found out yesterday we're signing the lease Friday on a house for rent. We've all (except for my oldest who lives with her mom) been living in a 900 sq ft apt these past 4+ years (my wife and hers have been here longer), and we're moving to a 6 bedroom 2.5 bath home that we got for way less than the realtor could have charged for rent. I guess it's good when your agent is in the Church choir with you.

Two good things will come of that, although they may seem like opposite extremes. One, we can actually have people over, have interactions, in other words, be sociable. Two, we can have a little solitude from time to time when it's needed. Not to mention, there's actually room to store our stuff, not just in terms of rooms, but some serious closetage (yeah, I know, I made up the word).

There's a nice sized backyard where we can garden, have the kids play, my wife and I can have a cup of coffee outside on a nice morning before starting the day, and I can BARBEQUE!!!!!! And once I can afford the kit, I'm homebrewing because there's plenty of space in the basement or garage.

I know there are still some root problems that need to be addressed, but this will at least help prevent certain things from building up to exploding point, and there are a lot of places to go on the occasions when they do.

[Electriclime]

Having more space should help at least a bit; especially with the older kids. Hope things calm down after the move.

[BenSr]

My 15 y.o. was admitted to the hospital last night as per her therapist and the school psych's recommendation. We kinda suspected it would be necessary eventually, but now it's official. I hate to say it, but I'm glad she's there, because right now, she's safer there than home since she's a genuine threat to herself. She can't return to school until she's shown to be otherwise, and we're going to be very careful about that, since she'll definitely try to snow the counselors.